Wednesday, 1 February 2017

On Her Majesties Shiten Service

The door lurches open at Shiten’s secret Whitehall HQ.  A red bowler hat spears through the air and hits the unsuspecting secretary square in the nose.  “Sorry Miss Mamepenny”, says a drunken voice from the shadow of the doorway.  “You REALLY live up to your name you know” the secretary rebuffs, “Erotic?” the voice replied, “no, Wally!” replied Miss Mamepenny wiping the trail of blood that was dripping from her nose.  “My equipment may be small Miss Mamepenny but it’s perfectly formed” replied Wally staggering into the desk.  “Sorry Wally, I’m more into big Blackthorns than your tiny little stick.  Go through, P has been waiting for you to sober up!”
P sat at his wheel majestically throwing his next range of Gafu-Ten winning pots as Wally stumbled in. “Take a seat 00Shiten, I was hoping that I would see you sometime this month” said Shiten’s ceramic sensei.  He well knew that our hero* had been on a Lidl bargain wine box and kebab bender since the Swindon Winter Image Show but he was the ONLY man* for the job.  “No need to remove your jacket” he continued, “I said don’t………….”.  Too late, Erotic Wally removed his outer layer to reveal his latest psychedelic outfit much to the pain and suffering of anyone in eye-shot.  Wally was fast becoming a disgrace to the Shiten Secret Service and was only being kept around as he was the only one daft enough to take on some of the more dangerous assignments.  P rummages around his desk drawers for some industrial strength welding goggles and then continues the briefing.
“I take it that you have heard that our good friend Baldfeld is back on the scene?”  “Really?”, replied Wally “so the Costa Cartel hit was unsuccessful then?”  “Exactly how much have you had to drink man, you were there!” exclaimed the frustrated monkey.  “Well, erm, not too sure sir really, what month is it again?” replied Wally sheepishly.  “Pull yourself together man or I’ll revoke your Licence to Pot”.  “No, no, not that P, it’s my life’s work”, well that and growing shite trees Wally thought.  “OK, one last chance, so here’s the gig, pay attention 00Shiten” growled the frustrated Shiten.

“As you are aware Wally, the BSB is making a high level visit, along with the Japanese and European Ambassadors, to RHS Wisley and we need a man on the inside.  We cannot discount the rumoured threats from BOBO who are understood to be sending some of their top, top agents”.  “Anyone I’ve ‘eard of Sir?” enquired the swiftly sobering agent.  “Well if the stories are to be believed it appears that Gingemember and Woodnibbler will be Baldfeld’s weapons of choice but be prepared for ANYONE and ANYTHING!” declared P.  “We’ve managed to infiltrate you as an exhibitor in the Mame section.  Miss Mamepenny's idea as she says that you are an expert on “smaller sizes” but what she means by that I do not know – what do bloody women know about Bonsai anyhow?”  Slowly, our hero* felt his face turning as red as his natty trademark bowler hat.  Yes, he had tried to impress P’s secretary with his fine specimens but she just laughed and blew him off.  “I’ve been trying to learn ‘er the Shiten Way sir”, Wally replied sheepishly “seems like I’ve done too good a job!”  “Excellent man, no time to lose, so off you trot, wouldn’t want to keep you” urged P “oh, and by the way 00Shiten, don’t make an exhibition of yourself – AGAIN!”
(*we use this term loosely!)


Tuesday, 24 January 2017

Shite Trek – The Journey Home

Captain’s Log Supplemental
Due to disruptions in the space-time continuum, sub space communications with Starbase Shite have been severely disrupted but we think the Shitesurprise’s boosted signal is now coming through………

Stardate 28-02.1230
As the conference progressed Helmsman Pearson notice an alien infestation on some of his unglazed wares.  The more he looked, the more they bred, the more they bred, the more he looked – what could this be and where did they come from?  He first noticed a faint spec which then grew and grew finally becoming a solid semi sphere of silver.  Further investigations by the crew found that the Shitesurprise must have been boarded during Captain Chrome-domes emergency caffeine stop.  With the finger now well and truly pointing at the Costa Cartel rumours were abound of a weapon that they had secretly been working on – Nano Tribbles!

These ultra-hi-tech weapons of mass replication were created to infiltrate and eradicate higher types of lifeforms and technology. It seems that this batch must have malfunctioned and seen the chief Shiten Slinger as a danger to ceramics as we know it.  We all ACTUALLY know that it’s Suteki Simon who is the chief culprit of crimes against ceramics* but as these little critters had gone haywire so that would explain the mistake!  These pots had to be isolated at once but it seems that the delegates liked the shiny domes and soon the infestation was over, well, until the unknowing new owners got their infected pots back home that is!

Stardate 28-02.1500
News crackled across the comms that some important announcements were about to take place concerning the strange folk wandering around with sticks earlier in the day.  This information seemed to cause much excitement amongst some of the delegates so it was phasers to stun, just in case of any alien shenanigans.  It turned out to be the prize giving for the Best Trees/Displays of the conference so no need for the crew to panic as there was no “Shite” Award – or so we thought!  Amongst the great and the good it was decided that Security Chief Will “someones gunna get hurt real” Baddeley won the award for “Best Stick in Pot”.  His English Elm raft* in its custom-made container swept the board beating more conventional alien creations and well done to him!

With all the excitement over it was soon time to pack the Shitesurprise and head back out into the Big Black at warp factor 9 and plan next year’s invasion!

(*it wasn’t originally a raft but it seems that the trees decided it was the best way to try and escape Suffolk – that or a canoe!)

Thursday, 3 November 2016

Shiten Pouge’s Gallery Pt.9

Name: Les Storey
AKA: Grandpa/Grown Up Baby
Position: Shiten Founder & First Aider
Status: Being Sarcastic
Claim to Fame: Cupping Ian St John's “luv spuds” & carrying Pele off in the World Cup 1966

Les’s Ferry cross the Mersey was torpedoed by the WBS and he was found years later washed up on the banks of the Medway.  Nursed back to health by the daft-side of the MBS his influence grew and soon became the spiritual leader of the Brotherhood of Shites.  What followed was the immaculate conception of the SBS firstly waging Holy war against Bonsai terrorist Abu Hands-free and then becoming a beacon of light to the infirm and confused.  The rest, as they say, is hysterectomy!

Thursday, 18 August 2016

Shiten Pouge's Gallery Pt.8

Name: Dougie Mudd
AKA: Fingers
Position: Shiten Coffin Maker
Status: Having a snooze
Claim to Fame: Still being able to count to ten without taking his socks off!

Some people say that they would give their right arm to be a member of the SBS but this man NEARLY did do it – bloody attention seeker!  More Chip’n’board than Chippendale this prover of the ply and master of MDF can knock up a fair orange box so thought that he’d try his hand at bonsai stand making.  He soon became a Shiten supplier, we do like a bit of marine ply us, and was granted membership after his tantrum after NOT being mentioned in despatches after the Noelanders Shiten Display of 2016 – what a big girls blouse!

Thursday, 11 August 2016

Shiten Pouge’s Gallery Pt.7

Name: Will Baddeley
AKA: Woodnibbler
Position: Artistic Dictator
Status: Covered in Sawdust
Claim to Fame: Displaying a "dead" tree at Gingko

Hedge poaching ex-chorister Will’s rise to Artistic Dictator was seen by some as “sudden” but he had been on our radar for some time. The Suffolk Spectacled Shite’s speciality is making deadwood look, well, dead, and we thought that this would be advantageous due to the rate that Les kills trees, especially Yews. Since the Balding Bearded Bonsaist joined our ranks standards have continued to plummet so it seems that his longer term membership, and leadership, should continue to help us sink to even deeper depths of shite!

Wednesday, 10 August 2016

Shiten Pouge’s Gallery Pt.6

Name: Alex Mai Tai Bonsai
AKA: Dusty
Position: Member (Probationary)
Status: Buying Pots
Claim to Fame: Giving Faisel a run for his money!

Smooth, suave, sophisticated ceramics connoisseur Alex is a recent convert to the cause.  Introduced to us by our Shiten Interpreter Alex was soon showing Shiten tendencies and first exposed himself as a Shite at the Heathrow Show last year. Feared and revered on auction sites across the globe his battle cry of “BIN” reveals more about his past than he thought as after further investigations we have found that he is in fact the lovechild of Ted Rogers!

Tuesday, 9 August 2016

Shiten Pouge’s Gallery Pt.5

Name: Jose
AKA: Sam
Position: Shiten Interpreter
Status: Making Beautiful Gardens
Claim to Fame: Excellent sense of direction!
Jose’s Shiten journey started as a spiritual seeking out of the ceramic sensei Stone Monkey in 2012. Since then he has never lost his vision, but sometimes his way, and was converted to Shitenisum a few years later. Often filling in when Les couldn’t be bothered, Jose’s faith, and membership, was tested when he represented Gibraltar in the European Final of the New Talent Contest. He later confessed and repented his sins and admitted that life was better on the daft-side!